Well I’ve been out twitching this week and I’ve been looking at some great birds. I went to twitch the Isabelline Wheatear on Anglesey, it was rubbish. After that I went to Norfolk to see the Pallid Harrier at Winterton. That was rubbish as well. But after Winterton I went to Great Yarmouth and things started to pick up. I was using my Leicas to look at a great bird on the beach. But I don’t mean one of those rubbish feathered birds, I mean a proper bird with big bouncy tits and a fanny. She was running along the beach with her dog - only her dog was actually an ugly fat woman! Eurgh! I might start one of my fantastic campaigns to ban ugly women with fat arses from Britain’s beaches. Just think about it: would you want to go to the beach on a lovely hot sunny day and have to look at some ugly woman with a fat arse? It’s no wonder our seaside resorts are deserted and everyone’s going off to Benidorm. Drinking the water might give you the shits, but at least the women there have nice arses and big tits.

Just look at the state of Brighton nowadays. I went to twitch the long staying Night Heron at Weir Wood Reservoir and decided to pop in to what was once my favourite British seaside resort. But how it’s changed since I was a child. Now Brighton’s full of bloody queers and homos and fat lezzers. Not a nice girl’s arse anywhere in sight! But if you look at the Labour nutters running this country it’s no wonder. Look at that thing Tony Blair’s married to. I mean, what red-blooded man on the right side of the fence would marry her? I pity the poor fellow who had to pop her Cherie.

After a mad drive up to Flamborough to dip out on the Pechora Pipit, I went back down south and took a look at the Marbled Duck on Stanpit Marsh in Dorset. This bird has got a lot of twitchers in a spin, I can tell you. The time of year and the supporting cast of rarities have added extra credibility to this bird’s wild status, although one turning up in Rye Harbour as well is a bit odd, but personally I couldn’t give a shit. I’m more concerned that some mad dyke has written on some loony internet birding forum that she’s sick of all the prejudice shown towards ducks that turn up in this country. Here’s a quote:

It’s quite clear that only a penis-orientated society would constantly declare all vagrant ducks that turn up in this country to be escapes. A 'duck' is the female of the duck family (the drake being the male), and therefore this constant dismissal of the provenance of vagrant 'ducks' in the British Isles is clearly the dominant male twitcher, and ultimately the BOURC (of course, the all male BOURC!), allowing his Neanderthal urges to control and sublimate the female gender, almost through acts of humilty by questioning the provenance of every vagrant 'duck' within the British Isles. Note how masculine birds such as Richard’s Pipit (Richard = dick = penis) or Siberian Blue Robin (Robin being a predominantly male name) are never declared to be escapes.

What a load of old bollocks! She needs some cock in her, that’ll shut her up, the whining old lezzer. But what else does she suggest the BOU do with vagrant ducks? Follow the decisions of the Dutch? Well I bet she would, because Holland is full of bloody queers and lezzers because of their so called relaxed liberal society. Oh yeah, but it didn’t do them any good during the War did it, sat on their arses smoking the wacky baccy all day and bumming each other when they should have been out fighting the Germans!

And finally, the Black Scoter is back at Llanfairfechan, but how long will it be before some jumped-up nutty lesbo professor of Sociology, at an ex-Polytechnic, declares that to be racist towards non-whites? The whole World's going mad!

Oi Oi Oi Oi Oi Oi Oi!

* Please note that Garry Bushell may possibly not have written this. Possibly/probably/definitely.

September 15th-21st

I went over to Scilly just to chance the Falcon, which seems to have hybridised with a chameleon (LOL!) because it keeps on changing colour! LOL! First it was a dark morph, then an intermediate morph and now it’s a pale morph - or maybe there are three? LOL!!! I didn’t see it, but I did manage to jam in on the Arctic Warbler and then murder the Least Sand at Hayle Estuary, Wilson’s Phal at Stithians and Spot Sand in Somerset as I was on my way back home. Si and Bill were both too busy this week to go and see any of them, so after all the jibes I’ve had off those two recently for dipping out all the time I guess it’s their turn to eat Humble pie! LOL!!! But whilst we’re on about Somerset, I was on MSN messenger chatting to my big sis the other night, telling her about all my jaunts up and down the country (she thinks I’m mad!!!), and she told me an interesting fact - Somerset is old English for ‘So Mere Sett’ which means ‘land of the inland sea’. She’s a right proper swatty brain box is my big sis!!! LOL!!!

Last Saturday I managed a high speed drive up to Angus to nail the Blyth’s Reed Warbler, only to find to find Bill and Si already there throwing bricks at it and shouting, “go on, piss off before Humble gets here.” Those two, honestly, they’re like a couple of kids! LOL!!!

Of course, we’re always messing about and up to no good! There was this one time last year on Springwatch when we were watching badgers, and Si said “why don’t we set fire to Bill’s woolly hat?” I wasn’t too sure Bill would see the funny side of it, but Si struck a match, got up behind Bill and set his hat on fire. Bill was trying to do some VT about badgers to be transmitted later that night, and you should have seen the looks on the faces of the camera crew as they saw Bill’s hat slowly go up in flames. LOL! Bill kept on talking to the camera and he didn’t realise until the fire started to burn his whole face off! We were all trying to keep a straight face, but then we all just cracked up as Bill started running around slapping himself on the head to try and put the flames out. LOL!!! He suffered serious burns to his face and had to go to a specialist burns unit for treatment, but Bill’s got a great sense of humour and didn’t press charges, but Si suspects that it was Bill who put broken glass into his couscous salad that he was having for his lunch the next day! LOL!!! Si lost half his tongue and three teeth!!!!!!!

The Blyth’s Reed was great for my yearlist, and I even managed a trip into Dundee to pick up some yummy Dundee cakes for mum! They’re my mum’s favourite. But after the great start to the week things went downhill :-( from then on! I dipped out on the Western Sand in Hampshire, and then found out that Si had gone back up to Shetland to film Stoats where he was lucky enough to get Pechora, Olive-backed and Red-throated Pipits and a Little Bunting on a day trip to Fair Isle. Talk about being flipping lucky!!! LOL!!!

Because Autumnwatch begins next week I won’t be able to write a summary of the bird news for a while, but thankfully some of my great showbiz chums have agreed to fill in for me whilst I’m busy. So next week’s news round up will be brought to you by none other than Garry Bushell, The People newspaper’s TV columnist! That should be fab!

See you soon and happy birding, Kate.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/tvradio/programmes/autumnwatch/

September 8th-14th

Well it’s been quite a week!!! :-) I’ve been really busy at Longleat Safari Park with Ben Fogle and the team, learning from the staff there how to milk geese. It was quite an ordeal, I can tell you! LOL! You can see it next week on Animal Park. So because I’ve been so busy my year list is almost at a complete standstill: 284 BOU (287 UK400). I hope we have a good autumn!!! Simon text me the other day after twitching the White-winged Black Tern in Derbyshire, saying:

300 bou. up yrs humble

I tell you, he’s going to give me a right ribbing on Autumnwatch about all the things I’ve dipped out on this year!!! :-(

But that was nothing compared to the text I got from Bill on Tuesday afternoon which said:

eleonor falc on my list. not on yrs. up yrs humble

And the next thing I knew the mega-alert had kicked in on my pager saying that there was an Eleonora’s Falcon heading north over Tresco! There was me last week saying how lucky Simon was, jamming in on rarities left, right and centre, and then Bill goes and finds a first for the northern hemisphere whilst looking for Badgers on Tresco! And all this whilst I was milking geese!!! Honestly, some people have all the luck. LOL!!!

Later that night I was online, chatting to mum on MSN messenger, when Bill came on and told me all about how he found it. Apparently he had seen a few Badgers but his new swanky Motorola Razr moby didn’t have any reception. So he was going off to find some reception so that he could text the BBC camera unit to suggest that we film the Badgers on Tresco as part of the coming series of Autumnwatch. Just as he was walking along looking at the number of reception bars on his moby, he saw the Falcon right above him in the reflection on his screen - how jammy is that!!!???!!! Looks like me and Si will have to start calling him Bill Jammy Oddie! LOL!

Other rarities that have made the headlines this week have included a Bonelli’s Warbler sp. on Tresco, and a Great Snipe and a Yellow-breasted Bunting on Shetland. And guess where Simon has been this week? That’s right, filming Stoats on Shetland!!! He managed to get both in the bag AND still have time to get some film of Stoats running around all over the place really fast for the coming series of Autumnwatch!

I really can’t wait to start filming again with the gang. I love being with Bill, Si and the other guys, because we always have such a good time! Between you and me, Ben Fogle gets on my nerves a bit. (oops, I hope doesn’t read this - I love you really Ben!!! xx) The only problem is that he’s a bit, well, he’s nice - don’t get me wrong - but he’s just a bit too posh. Even for me!!! But mum and my big sis thinks he’s a real hunk!!! LOL! (They’ll kill me for saying that!!! Ben+mum4eva LOL!)

The other major bird was a Paddyfield Warbler, also on Scilly, which was viciously manhandled out of a fishing net on Porth Hellick beach and then beaten to within an inch of its life by some ringers. No wonder it wasn’t showing by the time I managed to get the chopper across from Penzance! :-( Not that I’m bitter about it! LOL!!! As some compensation I managed to slip in a couple of hours at Cotswold Water Park where I saw a flock of 15,000 Black Terns, part of a nationwide influx of these delightful dainty marsh terns (including a single flock of 450,000 at Farmoor Reservoir - what a sight that must have been!!!). I thought I’d be able to at least grip Si with that, so I text him saying:

But out of the blue he came back with:

But the most interesting ornithological event has been the discovery of a new species of bird in northern India which an astronomer found. No wonder with the telescopes they use!!! LOL!

*  please note that Kate Humble’s name is used here metaphorically***

** please note this may well be the last